In two days I’ve earned $0.44 doing something that I do all of the time. Unlocking my phone. My husband? An entire dollar. It doesn’t seem like much but it’s basically free money. We’ll find out if it’s legit in about three months when the funds become available to be transferred to our bank accounts. The price? Displaying ads on my lock screen and giving my Facebook profile information to complete strangers. I mean, fuck, I do that anyway so why not get paid? Those strangers? They appear to be four adorable young asian men—but who knows, they could be horrible fat ugly women for all we know…this is the internet. The app is Slidejoy and you should download it.

I’ve earned 88% of a gum ball. I can already taste it.

(I swear, nobody is paying me to write this. I’m just legitimately stoked about freeish money.)

At the moment I’m sitting on the couch in my pajamas, eating ice cubes listening to the sultry sounds of Bon Iver and contemplating life, and cold teeth, amongst other things. I should write a book. Perhaps about the cramp in my foot right now. Or maybe about the cheeseburger I just ate. Or maybe about how sad it is that that’s what I have to write about. My life is easy, so I can’t write about that. The story of some middle class asshole eating cheeseburgers, who’d read that? Fuck me, you’re already reading it.

…Fuck you?

It’s Katy Perry time.