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It’s OK, we can laugh.

I sat down to blog last week, because it had been so long since the last time I’d done it. I remember writing something about responsible website owners and how they update often and how I don’t even update on a monthly basis, it would appear. I wrote about my anniversary and how much fun Levi and I had had. I wrote about our lunch, it was delicious.

But… none of those things felt right to write about. But what is right to write about?

I don’t want to write about the seemingly infinite sadness I’ve fallen into, the tears I cry when I think about never seeing my mother again, the fact that I share more text messages with my husband than actual words these days, and my inability to get out of bed until noon. It’s not all sadness, I have good days but even on my good days there is always something to remind me of everything I’ve lost. Nothing seems right anymore.

I think the worst thing is how people react when I talk about my mother, how they cringe and squirm as if they want to avoid something uncomfortable. I’m not uncomfortable, why should they be? My mother was a very happy person. I hope that one day, like her, I’ll be able to still laugh and find happiness in the little things even with all of the shit that life finds a way to fling. I hope that one day I will be able to be as amazing as my mother was. I hope that one day I’ll be able to talk and joke about my mother without the apologies and condolences and prayers and thoughts.

A week or two ago I found the receipt from my mother’s funeral.

On the bottom is printed “THANK YOU!!! PLEASE COME AGAIN!!!”

{ 6 comments… add one }

  • Jenn December 13, 2013, 7:10 am

    All I can say is that it gets better…slowly, incrementally. hugs

  • nikkiana December 13, 2013, 2:34 pm

    I totally understand about not knowing what’s right to write about. Any time I go through any major upheaval or change, I tend to grow hesitant on what to publish.

    nikkiana recently posted…Twisted Mixtape: Obsessive Love SongsMy Profile

  • Maria December 13, 2013, 10:50 pm

    I don’t know the first thing about the loss that you have suffered, so I’ll not pretend like I do know. However, loss and subsequent depression are things that I have gone through as well (albeit in a different situation), so I can relate to that. All I can essentially say – and I realise that words are, you know, just words – is that I am so sorry for your loss…

    And you know, I myself found that at these sorts of times writing is a bit of a bitch… On one hand there’s all these thoughts and emotions that may or may not only find their way out through writing, yet at the same time it feels so flimsy, you know? Like nothing you write is right, or even makes the slightest bit of sense once the words have left your head and appeared on paper/the screen.

    I am positive that, given time, things will get better and I hope that you will be able to really smile again, even if it’s only for your mother. And, eh– can I give you a digital hug?

    Maria recently posted…My favourite reads in 2013My Profile

  • Christina December 15, 2013, 5:46 pm

    I am so sorry for your loss.

  • Ang December 29, 2013, 11:16 am

    Unfortunately, I don’t think people really know what to say to someone who’s lost someone they love so much, so they instead try to get out of the conversation, actually making things worse.

    I think it’s important and it’s great that you’re remembering her for her ability to find happiness in the little things. I think as time gets on, while the ache will always be there because let’s face it, you don’t ever really get over that kind of loss, you’ll start to smile more in her memory.

    You know they say that moving on is easy and that’s true. What’s painful is what’s been left behind. hugs

  • Sammy January 6, 2014, 4:21 am

    Although I don’t know what it’s like to lose immediate family members, I know what it’s like to lose someone super close to you. I am so sorry for your loss and my condolences out to you and your family, and everyone else who knew your mother. It gets better, eventually… but even after my best friend/sister was ripped out of my life in 2012, I still grieve for her.

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