Today, for the second time in a year—while my niece was sitting in the backseat of my sister’s car and I in the driver’s seat—I was in a car accident. (My sister was also in the car, but her exact position isn’t entirely relevant to the story and didn’t fit into the sentence. Syntax, mother fucker—deal with it.)
It happened in a parking lot in front of a half price books—all because some bitch wanted a parking spot so badly that she couldn’t wait to check her mirror before shifting her piece of shit Impala into reverse and gunning it into my sister’s front bumper, scotch taped rear tail light and all. While all of this was happening I was frantically trying to figure out how to sound the horn to inform this crazy broad that I was not, nor was I capable of, moving backwards at the same speed she was and that she was going to hit me. (Which inevitably happened, as I was laying on the horn that I inevitably found.)
After I heard the crunch, and felt the thud, I immediately put the car in park and got the fuck out of the car with my phone, camera poised. This is the exact moment when she starts moving forward and I ask “Where are you going?” to which she screamed in response “I’m moving my car!” This is the moment when I knew this was going to be a clusterfuck—who the fuck gets an attitude with a person who they just forced into a car accident they never wanted to be in in the first place?
She eventually shifts her car into park and gets out, but only after driving away a little too far and a little too fast for comfort. Her attitude got out with her. Literally the first words out of her mouth where “didn’t you see my reverse lights?!”
“BITCH DIDN’T YOU SEE MY CAR THAT WAS STOPPED BEHIND YOU BEFORE YOU EVEN SHIFTED INTO REVERSE AND HEAR MY FUCKING HORN THAT WAS SOUNDING FOR A FULL 5 SECONDS BEFORE YOU EVEN HIT ME?!” is what I wanted to say, but all I could calmly say was “are you kidding me? I was stopped behind you before you even put your car in reverse and backed into me. This is your fault not mine.”
She then proceeded to get back into her car and drove away as I took a photo of her license plate and told her I was calling the cops. The best part? If this bitch wasn’t carrying twins, she was at least nine months pregnant and I hope her soon to be born child is as fucking obnoxious as she is.
I also hope that she reads this, because me calling her a stupid fucking whore and hoping her child is also a stupid fucking whore is the absolute nicest thing she deserves right now because I will never hear her thank me for not filing a police report.