Sometimes I wakeup and just feel sad. This is one of those days.
I don’t like getting emotional on my blog. I don’t like the vulnerability of it all. It’s much easier for me to put up a front and make you all think I’m impenetrable, but I’m really not. I like to convince myself that I’m much more fantastic than I really am, it makes me feel better.
Some days I am just not very convincing. This is one of those days.
I feel unclean. Even though I showered last night, I can’t shake the feeling that I am dirty.
My nails feel too hard, my skin too oily, my hair too dry and my clothes too scratchy. The couch is too warm, the dishes too dirty, the dust is piling up, and the popcorn on the floor from last night is still here this morning. The painted black twigs awkwardly emerging from the ridiculously large and shiny vase in the corner are too disheveled — they too, are too dusty.
Some days I feel overwhelmed. This is one of those days.
The apartment is too cold.
I have a dentist appointment tomorrow. I haven’t flossed in months. I will lie and say I have. The truth is that I am so afraid of not having enough money that when I ran out of floss I just didn’t buy any.
In a little over a month I’m stepping out of my safety net. I wish I could say that I’m just folding it up and bringing it along for the ride but that isn’t true. I’m stepping out of it. Abandoning it. I’d like to tell you that I’m growing and I think this is all going to be alright.
But I’m not and I don’t.
I’m not ready. I’m not in control.