I’m going to just come out and say it.. Not having a job has completely ruined my sleep schedule. Despite my attempts at rectifying the issue, I have failed. Tonights attempt was thwarted by a particularly heinous bout of heartburn, undoubtedly brought on by my poor eating habits over the last few days. (I know I can’t have certain things, but I do it anyway and I suffer for it.) Coffee, tea, fatty foods, chocolate and a host of other foods and beverages give me raging heartburn. Of course, these are all things I love.
Heartburn has only been a hinderance a few times, and isn’t the major issue; the major issue is that I lack self control. I can’t tell myself to go to bed when I should for some reason, and I can’t stop myself from taking naps. The impulses to stay awake and go to sleep when I shouldn’t remain difficult to control. (Self control issues have also plagued my personal life as of late…) It’s almost as if I am fighting with myself. Last night, I stayed up until 4AM, and woke up at 1PM — something that is likely to be repeated today. It isn’t that I don’t know I shouldn’t do these things, because I do know I shouldn’t — it’s that I am finding irrational ways to rationalize the behavior.
I keep telling myself that it’s OK to stay up late and sleep in, because I have no job. Not having a job doesn’t mean I don’t have things to do. I have plenty of things to do, I went from being a part time service worker to being a full time homemaker. I let dishes and laundry pile up, and I know I shouldn’t — but I just can’t get myself to be on a normal schedule. I don’t like doing housework while Levi is home, because he tries to help. While I appreciate his attempts to help, I know he works hard to keep us afloat and it isn’t fair for me to expect him to contribute to the house work in his free time, I feel guilty when he tries — it’s bad enough that I criticize his choices of recreation. (Diablo III – need I say more?) The only thing I ask of him is that he make a small attempt not to contribute to the mess. Neither of us are very tidy, so it takes an effort to keep the apartment clean — as I type I am within arms reach of five dirty dishes, and a pile of papers that needs to be dealt with. Things that I should have dealt with today, had I not let myself be lazy.
Today I didn’t do the housework because I let myself sit around and eat donuts.