The following list is a compilation of truths I hold to be accurate about all cats. Read carefully, because if you do you might be more prepared for what you’ve gotten yourself into.

  1. Cats will sleep wherever is most inconvenient for their humans at the time.
  2. Cats will occasionally show “affection” by “cuddling” with you. This isn’t affection, or cuddling. This is how cats show ownership of you – if you resist or make a cat angry, it will start plotting ways to kill you.
  3. That cute head butt your kitten does? That’s just a way of practicing on how to best get to your neck if it ever does need to kill you. They start young because your feline “friend” is more intelligent than you and understands the balance of power early on.
  4. Anytime you move anything, be it furniture or your feet, there will be a cat toy involved.
  5. The aforementioned cat toy will get involved in whichever way is most inconvenient. For example, when moving heavy furniture, you will crush it, have to lift the furniture back up and then move it all while balancing a sofa.
  6. If a cat has access to the underneath of your bed, they will play there while you’re trying to get to sleep.
  7. If you live above somebody, your cat will run back and forth all night – Loudly.
  8. If you don’t live above somebody, your cats will throw loud cat toys against shared walls. If you live in a single family home, they will throw these against your bedroom door.
  9. A cat will find a way to make cat litter inconvenient, be it getting it on the floor (or lodged in the carpet) or not covering their messes at all. If you don’t make a lot of money, the cat will make this issue so bad that you will be forced to buy an expensive maze-like litter box.
  10. Cats will scratch everything. I repeat, everything.
  11. Cats will vomit on your carpet, just accept this. Cats will also try to eat their vomit. If you have more than one cat, they will fight over which cat gets to eat the vomit.
  12. Cats are overly sensitive, and will complain and protest every change you make in their lives. This includes changes to their cat food. You must not give into this, as if you do they win. You can’t let your cats win.
  13. If your cats have already won, just give up. Cats are jerks.

There you have it. I can’t really call this a survival guide so much as a contract. All cat owners must accept these truths in order to survive cat ownership. If you can’t accept these truths, get a dog, because you can’t teach cats – they already know everything. (Go ahead, try the water sprayer..and then watch as your cat seeks out all of your possessions and urinates on them. You won’t smell this because you’re accustomed to cat pee in the litter box, but your friends will.)